Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sneaky as an Elephant

This next story takes place during the summer after my 8th grade year. Big changes had occurred in my life. I was now living in Central Oregon, residing in a quaint town called Redmond. I was an entirely different person as well. That does not indicate that I received a sex change, but my personality was night and day from 6 months earlier. One could say that I had burst from my shell into the spotlight. School was taken less seriously, and I was a much more sociable human being.

The day started with my partaking in a young lady's birthday party. Yes, it's true! I was actually being invited to the parties of females, with numerous in attendance. I was pretty much a big shot at this point. Something had happened in my move from Kansas City to this small town in Oregon. I was the same dorky kid, so I don't think it had anything to do with me. It likely had more to do with the fact that I was seen as the cool kid coming from the big city to this town of about 12,000. Little did they know that I was not cool at all, but I put up a good facade I suppose. It must have had something to do with those amazing Jnco jeans I was rocking at the time. I hear those were a real chick magnet.

So, I attended this party full of ladies whom were having a sleepover as part of the festivities. For some reason the couple of us fellas were excluded from this 8th grade sleepover. I can't figure out a reason for this, but fair enough. I wandered home after an alright party. What can really be expected from an 8th grade birthday party? It was acceptable, but not all too rambunctious. I don't recall much of the actual party, because it was far from memorable. That evening, as I was at my home, I received phone calls from the ladies at the party. For some reason they still wanted to chatter with me about various random things. During the meantime my good friend and I were plotting a plan that was somewhere on par with Operation Valkyrie. It was a bold maneuver for us to sneak out in the depths of the night and scurry back over to this "party." My guess is that we never passed this information along to the ladies, but I'd still like to blame them for what would transpire that evening.

As midnight approached, I made my move to escape from the home. The parents were sound asleep, with their bedroom door open ajar. In order to secure my escape I would have to creep past their room and quietly journey down steps to reach the exit. I took my cordless phone with me on the trek, so that I could contact said friend once I had safely reached the outside perimeter. As I crept down the hall I was very careful to make any noise. It was very much Mission Impossible as I would catch my sweat beads before they hit the turf. I slowly made my motion for the steps. This was the tricky portion of the plan. There were a few steps that would creak when you would step on them. I had to be careful to avoid creating too much sound as I crept down the steps. After what seemed to be 20 minutes I had finally reached my destination at the back door. I slid it open to reveal the fresh scent of freedom. I quickly scurried into the backyard where I proceeded to call my companion, followed by sneakily stashing the phone behind a bush. From there I ran towards the bright lights of the neighborhood street lamps. We met outside his abode which was only a couple blocks away. That is where the journey would begin...

The final destination was a good jaunt from our homes. In approximation it would be about a 30 minute trip to reach the end. However, along the way we would stumble upon obstacles that would only prolong our trip. About 5 minutes in we encountered some other hooligans also wandering around in the midst of the night. They were 4 classmates of ours doing goodness knows what at that hour. One of them was being held up by two of the others. Apparently at some point during their outing 2 of them had somehow collided head first into one another. Well the one being held up was vomiting, and clearly out of it. There was rampant speculation that she had suffered a concussion, so we figured we would take a slight detour and assist them with taking her home. This would take us in a completely different direction than where we were headed, but we figured it was best to make sure she made it home alright. Once we had helped lift her into her bedroom window and gotten her safely inside my friend and I were assured that they would take it from there. So we continued onward. About 30 minutes later or so we finally saw the lights of the home for which we were searching. Once we reached the front of the home, he went around to the side to see if he could get the attention of the ladies while I stayed out front as a sort of spotter I suppose. Not sure what I spotting for, but I would certainly spot something in the next couple minutes. As I stood there waiting for him to return I saw a car approach in the yonder with the headlights trained on me. As they glared in my eyes, I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't make out the car, yet I knew exactly who it would be...

Defeated, I approached the car with my head slumped. As I got closer my suspicions were quickly realized. Inside, both of my parents were sitting with penetrating stares in my direction. I simply got into the car, and my dad's first question was, "Where's Nick the Dick?" Yes, it's true, he affectionately gave all of my friends nicknames such as this one. "Nick the Dick" was his personal favorite I believe, and he knew that Nick was somehow involved in this. During this time, Nick had caught on to the fact that I had been apprehended. This is his story as to how he made his escape from the situation. How much of it is truth I cannot say, but I'll go ahead and trust his version of events because it sounds like a great adventure. As my parents circled the area searching for him, as my dad was looking to unleash a hell of fury, he did everything in his power to remain out of sight. He rolled across the dark road and hid behind bushes in order to remain hidden. He continued to dodge around the area in the dark, hiding behind whatever objects he could to remain out of the line of vision from this circling Jeep Wrangler. Eventually, he decided to simply make a run for it. From all accounts he made it home before my parents had finally decided to call off the dogs and head home. I say this because my dad still seething at the mouth actually called Nick's parents in order to try to get him nabbed. Turns out he was already chilling in his room by the time they got there. Well played sir.

How had they found out about my late night excursion you ask? Well, it turns out I didn't really cover all my bases before making my stealthy getaway. I actually had a second phone in my room. Yes, they had once again made the mistake of giving me my own phone line. Not only that, but I actually had 2 phones within 10 feet of each other! What a truly absurd notion, as there was absolutely no reason for such nonsense. In all fairness one of them was attached to my Acer (oh yes, top of the line) computer, so it was a pseudo-phone in my opinion. Well, I didn't exactly turn off the ringer on that phone. The ladies at this "party" had decided to continue to try to call back a few more times, not realizing that I had set out on my daring expedition. The ringer awoke my parents, and alerted them to the situation. Apparently my cleverly placed pillows under the blanket were not exactly fooling anybody. Especially since I would have supposedly been comatose as my phone rang off the hook. From there they were able to figure out where I had in all likelihood set out to go. Given our detour on the trip, it gave them an ample amount of time to meet us at the location.

Now to the aftermath. My dad quickly morphed into the Hulk. This is no exaggeration as he literally began throwing things around my bedroom. He picked up my TV and threw it, all of my CD's were snapped in half and flung at me, amongst other things. Needless to say the man did not appear pleased with the lack of thoroughness I had put into my plan. I have not seen him that angry in my life, and the guy has a bit of a temper. Things were getting ugly as I listened to venomous words spewed at me for a good couple hours. Eventually the jury had decided my sentencing and it was not an entirely pleasant one. Basically, the plan was to cut me off from civilization as a whole. Computer out, TV no longer, phone line was finally eradicated (that puppy would never come back), and the house would not be exited for the entire summer. For a week that was pretty awful. However, at that point I had luckily been booked to head to Germany to visit family for the summer. There couldn't have been any possible better timing. Essentially when I returned the summer was over, thereby the punishment had been lifted. The break gave him a couple of months to cool off, so I think at that point the anger had well subsided. Alarms were most certainly installed, and to this day any time a window or door is opened in the house a loud beep echoes throughout the building. I can be thanked for such innovations being brought in to modernize the home. I was just trying to make it a safer place to be. The night was a complete failure as I never even came in contact with the subjects that we had gone through all the work to meet with. Thus ends the story of my failure to rebel against the system.

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